Tuesday, September 23, 2014

"I don't want to give up!"

*I don't post this for sympathy or compliments on my parenting.  Please read through, I do this for insight*

Some days I send my husband texts like this, “Why did I ever get married and have kids?  What was He thinking?  He knew I would be this way so why not give His children to one of those amazing people who wants so badly to have kids, but can't, and would do a much better job than I am!  I am not cut out for this.  I never was and I never will be!  I am so done with this!"
Yeah I know, you're either thinking, "that is terrible!"  or, "ohhh..I know those days!"  But please, let's set aside the judgment.  I don't mean to be harsh and heartless.  And yes, I sometimes speak..or write..before I think.  I know, it's a bad, bad thing!  It's something I have to overcome.  Let me interject for a second..my day wasn't all bad.  Look at these fun things~
"Mommy, let's play 'friends in heels'!" 
 So we spent hours, wearing heels and playing friends!!
 We did the airplane and "lady ride."
 And snuggled with baby..
 See, beautiful morning.  So what happened?  Homework!  Seriously~no lie!  My kids are really smart.  I'm not saying that because I'm bias.  But..some have a tendency to play not-smart.  Why?  I have NO CLUE and it drives me nuts.  I repeat the same thing a million and 10 times.  I take the time to explain it to them.  Nothing.  They still want to ask me for the answer.  Then when I check it and they get things wrong, massive break-down, total fit!  AHHH!!  I can't handle it.  I have no patience.  It's gone and done.  I react poorly, too much noise and raised voices.  Not a good place to be in and it causes a circle of UGH.  Fit, screaming, can't concentrate, fit, screaming, etc..I am very aware that yelling, in no way, helps the situation.  But it just comes out.  Even when my brain is saying, "calm down, you're not helping!"  I can't handle those days of pure defiance and complete "let's-turn-off-our-listening-ears" times.  My reaction is poor, but in those moments I truly feel as stated above.  Done!

I’ll be completely honest~this is not the life I wanted.  It’s not the life I ever thought I’d have nor was it something I looked forward to.  I know many of you out there in the same boat..only opposite.  You dream of the things I have, but don’t.  You would give anything for my life.  You dreamt of a beautiful family with a husband you love and kids running around your legs all day!  Don’t think I’m being inconsiderate to your feelings.  I get it.  Really I do.  But there is part of me that would do the same for your life, your successes, your joys, your experiences.  I know I am blessed.  I know my kids are amazing individuals who will do great things in life.  I know.  It’s just way different than I ever thought I'd be living.   Therefore, being a mom is NOT something that comes easily to me.  It's REALLY hard for me.  I am not a natural mother.

So what happens why life gets me down like this?  What do I do?  I talk to my children.  Real, honest, open-ended, discussions.  My kids hold me accountable for my behavior, my choices. 
Gage had a rough evening and it was full of crying, whining, speaking before thinking, etc.  We had a chat after the homework fiasco.  He was then sad because he was making bad choices and he doesn't want to.  He just wants to be perfect.  We listed a few things he needs to work on and I explained that he can't just be done with them all at once.  That's too hard and it doesn't work well when we try to do it that way.  He asked why not.  I used a ladder as an example. 
"Can we just jump from the ground to the top step of Daddy's big ladder?" 
"No way!  That would be too hard!" 
Exactly!  Life is the same way.  We can't jump head first in and try to overcome all obstacles at once.  We take one at a time and work on it until it's just normal for us and we don't have to work on it anymore.  He said he wished he could just get over them all at once.  I said me too!  We agreed to work on one thing at a time. 
The evening continued to be a not-so-fabulous night.  At bedtime he said he always does things wrong and maybe he doesn’t have a good heart in there.  I told him I knew he did.  I feel it around him (everyone does)!  I explained to him that we keep trying.  If we don’t, that is when we fail.  But if Heavenly Father sees that we are always trying we will be doing good in His eyes.  We have to keep trying or else we’ve made a choice by not trying.  We choose to do good, or do bad.  "What happens if we don't make a choice?"  Oh, my dear boy, we always do.  Even when it seems like we aren't making a choice, we are.  If we don't make the choice to try our best to do good, then we've chosen to do bad.  Throwing in the towel, or giving up, isn't really an option because it's choosing opposite of what we really want.  He asked how everything could be a choice..”we don’t choose to drink water, we just do.”  I explained to him that yes, it is a choice…it was a choice until it became a habit.  Now he doesn’t think of it each time as a choice because he just chooses it.  And that’s why we have to keep trying.  When we do something, or change a habit we already have, we have to keep doing it and keep making the conscious choice until, one day, we realize we aren’t choosing it anymore, it just happens, like the habit of drinking water. We will have the habit of explaining our feelings instead of throwing fits.  We will have the habit of not hitting even when someone upsets us. He said, “I don’t want to give up.”  That simple phrase meant more to me than probably anything anyone has ever said.  He doesn’t want to give up.  He wants to be like Jesus.  He wants to make it to our Father in Heaven.  He wants it.  If he doesn’t want to give up, why do I?  I told him that I really needed to hear that.  I thanked him for being an example to me even when he didn’t know he was doing so.  He asked how and I told him that the Spirit knew I needed to hear it so he was prompted to say that, to not want to give up.  It was something I needed.  I told him I wanted to be in the celestial kingdom with him.  "Me too!" and the tightest, sweetest hug in the world!  Thank you Gage!
I began the conversation with him to answer his questions and let him know that he is a good person and has a good soul.  That, if he wants to be like our Brother, he needs to keep trying.  Giving up isn't an option to get us that result.  Funny how every single thing I said to him, that he needed to hear, I needed to hear.  FYI~I don't believe in coincidences.  Thank you Father!
Have a happy day~Kasey

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