Be True to Yourself! Back to school theme!

We have never had a theme for the school year before.  But now that my kids have been in school for a few years, I knew we needed one this year.  Let's see if I can sum up why....

Last year we noticed my son liked to goof off.  His teachers told me that he knows when to have fun and when to calm down and get work done.  Gage either finished his work quickly and started talking, or he would see his friends laughing and being silly and sit and laugh at them.  It was something he worked on last year, but we knew it needed to be something he worked on again this year.

His twin sister has had a rough go of friends in school.  In her 4 year old preschool class, she had her first taste of "mean girls."  No, not nasty or mean-hearted like older girls can be.  But she was left out.  It happened for a little while and I told her she had to talk to her teacher about it.  She did and the teacher put a stop to it.  There was one little girl who befriended her and she was able to feel better about it because of this sweet girl.  In Kindergarten, it was the same story.  She's kind of quiet and reserved around a lot of people.  She made one good friend and that was what she needed.  Last year, was rough!  There are first and second graders in the same class.  The older girls weren't very friendly or accepting and most of the first grade girls wanted to be friends with them, so they acted like those girls.  Taya did not.  She didn't change who she was to be accepted by these girls.  Which, we all know as adults is SUCH a great quality!!  But that's hard to explain to young kids!  She cried about it many times last year, about being left out, feeling lonely at school, and having no friends.  It was so hard!  

Our next two girls haven't had many years in school and haven't had any issues.  They just have trouble letting themselves be themselves around anyone but family.  

The first day of school this year was Tuesday.  So we had our family home evening on Monday night.  This doesn't have to be an FHE, I just made it that way for us!  I made the theme for the school year, "Be true to yourself!"  I got most of it from what I knew they needed to continue to work on and from this fabulous book!  

Chapter 5 is "Be True" and I just fell in love after rereading it.  I knew this would really speak to my kids.  

At the beginning of this, President Hinckley shared a story from his own childhood.  He was a seventh grader, and that meant it was to be his first year of Junior High.  Unfortunately, the renovations on the school weren't finished, so the seventh graders were sent back to the elementary where there was enough room.  He, and the other boys in his class, were not happy about this.  They were too old, too cool, too big for the elementary school.  They decided that the next day, they'd send a message by not going to school.

He says, "But we had no place to go.  We couldn't stay home, because our mothers would ask questions.  We didn't think of going downtown to a show, because in those days we had no money for that.  We didn't think of going to the park because we were afraid we would be seen by Mr. Clayton, the truant officer.  We didn't think of going out behind the school fence and telling shady stories because we didn't know any.  We had never heard of such things as drugs or anything of the kind.  So we just wondered around and wasted the day."

I love this!  The kids loved that part too.  They thought it was so funny that they really had nothing to do and were just so bored!  Bored is right...the next day they went back to school..to an unexpected surprise.  Their principal, Mr. Stearns, whose "demeanor matched his name" was there to greet them at the front door.  He told them that striking was not the way to solve a problem and that they were "expected to be responsible citizens" and should have gone to talk to him if they had a complaint.  They were not allowed back until they had a note from their parents.  

President Hinckley walked, sheepishly, into his home.  His mother immediately asked him what was wrong and he told her what happened the day before.  She wrote a note, a very short note, but he said that "it was the most stinging rebuke she ever gave me."

"Dear Mr. Stearns,

         Please excuse Gordon's absence yesterday.  His action was simply an impulse to follow the crowd."

I cannot not even try to paraphrase his next two paragraphs.

"I have never forgotten my mother's note. Though I had been an active party to the action we had taken, I had resolved then and there that I would never do anything on the basis of simply following the crowd.  I determined then and there that I would make my own decisions on the basis of their merits and not be influenced by those around me. I decided that I would be true to whatever I believed to be right.

That decision has blessed my life countless times in countless ways, sometimes in very uncomfortable circumstances.  It has kept me from doing some things which, if indulged in, could at worst have resulted in serious trouble, and at best would have cost me my self-respect."

I explained this to the kids in ways they would understand.  The next thing we did was go through the points he makes in this section.  Be true to your land and country you call home, your friends, your parents, heritage, and family, to the truth, to what is right and fair and honest, to who you are and your own convictions.  There were some parts I read from the book but all we talked about with our kids. We made it into a discussion so they understood what I was getting at!  I gave them each the printout that I made for them.  They hung it somewhere where they would see it every day.  Some put it next to their beds, one on the back of his door so he saw it every morning he left his room, and some put it on the wall next to their backpack hooks.  (Just click here for the link to the printable..I have five color versions for my five crazy different kids!!)  

BE TRUE

Next, and this may just be the part that really hit home to them, they made a goal.  Each of the kids received a blank paper and they came up with a goal to write on it.  It is their "be true to yourself" goal of the school year.  

"Follow myself and not my friends!"

 "Come out of my shell more and make good friends!"

"Share my talents and don't be embarrassed to shine~or fail!"

 "Be myself and not someone else!" 

 "Don't be like others and just be me!"

They've only been in school for a week, but I know there are a few who have really focused on their goal already.  They want to accomplish their goal and they want to hear a good report from their teacher and be able to tell their mom and dad how good they're doing at it.  Taya even put her goal in her backpack so she could see it every day whenever she went into her bag.  

This is one of my new favorite back to school traditions!  (along with our annual one-on-one discussions about bullying~what it is, why we don't do it, and what to do if we see it)   Do you have any you just love?

Have a happy day~Kasey

"I don't want to give up!"

*I don't post this for sympathy or compliments on my parenting.  Please read through, I do this for insight*

Some days I send my husband texts like this, “Why did I ever get married and have kids?  What was He thinking?  He knew I would be this way so why not give His children to one of those amazing people who wants so badly to have kids, but can't, and would do a much better job than I am!  I am not cut out for this.  I never was and I never will be!  I am so done with this!"

 

Yeah I know, you're either thinking, "that is terrible!"  or, "ohhh..I know those days!"  But please, let's set aside the judgment.  I don't mean to be harsh and heartless.  And yes, I sometimes speak..or write..before I think.  I know, it's a bad, bad thing!  It's something I have to overcome.  Let me interject for a second..my day wasn't all bad.  Look at these fun things~

 

"Mommy, let's play 'friends in heels'!" 

 So we spent hours, wearing heels and playing friends!!

 We did the airplane and "lady ride."

 And snuggled with baby..

 See, beautiful morning.  So what happened?  Homework!  Seriously~no lie!  My kids are really smart.  I'm not saying that because I'm bias.  But..some have a tendency to play not-smart.  Why?  I have NO CLUE and it drives me nuts.  I repeat the same thing a million and 10 times.  I take the time to explain it to them.  Nothing.  They still want to ask me for the answer.  Then when I check it and they get things wrong, massive break-down, total fit!  AHHH!!  I can't handle it.  I have no patience.  It's gone and done.  I react poorly, too much noise and raised voices.  Not a good place to be in and it causes a circle of UGH.  Fit, screaming, can't concentrate, fit, screaming, etc..I am very aware that yelling, in no way, helps the situation.  But it just comes out.  Even when my brain is saying, "calm down, you're not helping!"  I can't handle those days of pure defiance and complete "let's-turn-off-our-listening-ears" times.  My reaction is poor, but in those moments I truly feel as stated above.  Done!

I’ll be completely honest~this is not the life I wanted.  It’s not the life I ever thought I’d have nor was it something I looked forward to.  I know many of you out there in the same boat..only opposite.  You dream of the things I have, but don’t.  You would give anything for my life.  You dreamt of a beautiful family with a husband you love and kids running around your legs all day!  Don’t think I’m being inconsiderate to your feelings.  I get it.  Really I do.  But there is part of me that would do the same for your life, your successes, your joys, your experiences.  I know I am blessed.  I know my kids are amazing individuals who will do great things in life.  I know.  It’s just way different than I ever thought I'd be living.   Therefore, being a mom is NOT something that comes easily to me.  It's REALLY hard for me.  I am not a natural mother.

So what happens why life gets me down like this?  What do I do?  I talk to my children.  Real, honest, open-ended, discussions.  My kids hold me accountable for my behavior, my choices. 

 

Gage had a rough evening and it was full of crying, whining, speaking before thinking, etc.  We had a chat after the homework fiasco.  He was then sad because he was making bad choices and he doesn't want to.  He just wants to be perfect.  We listed a few things he needs to work on and I explained that he can't just be done with them all at once.  That's too hard and it doesn't work well when we try to do it that way.  He asked why not.  I used a ladder as an example. 

 

"Can we just jump from the ground to the top step of Daddy's big ladder?" 

 

"No way!  That would be too hard!" 

 

Exactly!  Life is the same way.  We can't jump head first in and try to overcome all obstacles at once.  We take one at a time and work on it until it's just normal for us and we don't have to work on it anymore.  He said he wished he could just get over them all at once.  I said me too!  We agreed to work on one thing at a time. 

 

The evening continued to be a not-so-fabulous night.  At bedtime he said he always does things wrong and maybe he doesn’t have a good heart in there.  I told him I knew he did.  I feel it around him (everyone does)!  I explained to him that we keep trying.  If we don’t, that is when we fail.  But if Heavenly Father sees that we are always trying we will be doing good in His eyes.  We have to keep trying or else we’ve made a choice by not trying.  We choose to do good, or do bad.  "What happens if we don't make a choice?"  Oh, my dear boy, we always do.  Even when it seems like we aren't making a choice, we are.  If we don't make the choice to try our best to do good, then we've chosen to do bad.  Throwing in the towel, or giving up, isn't really an option because it's choosing opposite of what we really want.  He asked how everything could be a choice..”we don’t choose to drink water, we just do.”  I explained to him that yes, it is a choice…it was a choice until it became a habit.  Now he doesn’t think of it each time as a choice because he just chooses it.  And that’s why we have to keep trying.  When we do something, or change a habit we already have, we have to keep doing it and keep making the conscious choice until, one day, we realize we aren’t choosing it anymore, it just happens, like the habit of drinking water. We will have the habit of explaining our feelings instead of throwing fits.  We will have the habit of not hitting even when someone upsets us. He said, “I don’t want to give up.”  That simple phrase meant more to me than probably anything anyone has ever said.  He doesn’t want to give up.  He wants to be like Jesus.  He wants to make it to our Father in Heaven.  He wants it.  If he doesn’t want to give up, why do I?  I told him that I really needed to hear that.  I thanked him for being an example to me even when he didn’t know he was doing so.  He asked how and I told him that the Spirit knew I needed to hear it so he was prompted to say that, to not want to give up.  It was something I needed.  I told him I wanted to be in the celestial kingdom with him.  "Me too!" and the tightest, sweetest hug in the world!  Thank you Gage!

 

I began the conversation with him to answer his questions and let him know that he is a good person and has a good soul.  That, if he wants to be like our Brother, he needs to keep trying.  Giving up isn't an option to get us that result.  Funny how every single thing I said to him, that he needed to hear, I needed to hear.  FYI~I don't believe in coincidences.  Thank you Father!

 

Have a happy day~Kasey

The seven things I learned in seven years...

Just over a month ago, we hit our seven year mark.  It's been a whirlwind of a ride!  We've been through more in seven years than most: 5 kids in 28 months, 8 moves, 5 job changes, numerous hours spent studying for the ever-changing majors, and multiple deaths of loved ones and heartache all around.  But..here we are..and we are still smiling! Since most people don't go through quite as much as we did in those first seven years of marriage..let me share with you the seven most important things I've learned in my seven years..and hopefully it won't take you quite as long to learn them!

Honesty is always the best policy!  Be open.  Tell the truth.  Be kind!  Being honest doesn't mean being blunt or unkind in our words.  Honesty only works in the right tone.  You can't come at one another with backhanded words or tones.  Tell the other how you feel, what you like, and likewise what you don't.  Nothing can get fixed if you don't know it's broken! (Which totally leads me to the next point...)

Communication is key!!  If you don't talk you don't grow.  When a couple goes to therapy, with no major issues, the first thing the therapists wants you to work on is communication.  So many marital issues can be solved with the basic knowledge of how to hold a discussion.  A discussion is not an argument.  Communicating isn't just talking (or yelling), there must be listening ears.  Open, honest (see, there it is again) communication requires talking and listening.  

Do those things for one another!  Ever read "The 5 Love Languages"? (if you haven't..do!!!)  This is where it comes in.  He likes to watch football, join in (and you don't have to every single time..just a few and he will know you are trying).  She wants to go to a play, take her (sometimes, and sometimes suggest she go with a friend..something she enjoys, a person she cares for, and "her time"..triple win for you)!  You're at the store and see a cute giraffe that could join her collection, or you see an awesome deal on a climbing rope you know he needs a new one of, buy it!  He needs an hour of alone time with you, you need hugs and kisses, give it to them!  Not only should we do things for one another, but say the right things!  Tell him you appreciate his hard work each day.  Let her know you realize she's at home working just as hard and her job isn't meaningless or less than yours.  A little  note on his steering wheel, a heart on her mirror.  There are so many little things. Do them!

Manners never hurt anyone!  Very shortly after we were married my dad said, "always say please, thank you, and I'm sorry!  And remember, none is more important than the other!"  It made me think..none is more important than the other?  Yes! Saying, "please" and "thank you" is just as important as saying "I'm sorry" and none should be forgotten!  Don't we teach (or won't we teach) our children to have proper manners?  Why?  Because it's good manners and good manners should be used more often.  Then why not among a husband and wife?

Compromise..both of you!  One person is not always right.  If you and your friend disagree, do you argue about it?  Or do you "agree to disagree" as the saying goes?  Why argue about it with your spouse?  Not everything, actually, very few things, needs to have a finality of who is right!  When it comes to discipline, curfew, finances, etc. both of you talk (see..there's communication) and let your true thoughts and feelings come out (and there's the honesty)!  Things don't have to be his way.  Things don't have to be her way.  Make it our way!  Work together to come up with a solution that is okay for both of you!

Nobody is perfect!  And when all else fails, because it's inevitable that it will happen, forgive!  There's only been one perfect person on this Earth...and it's not your spouse!  Remember that.  Always!  Yes, we need to try our best to love, appreciate, and enjoy our significant other.  Always try.  But there are times where we will fail.  She will fail.  He will fail.  It happens.  It's life.  Remember that they aren't perfect.  Forgive.  Move on!  

Laughter really is the best medicine!  Don't forget to enjoy each other!  Did you have inside jokes while you were dating?  Did you enjoy silly things together (for instance, Cory and I used to wrestle, and when I would kick his butt I'd tease him about being weak)?  Don't forget to do it still.  Laugh.  Laugh together.  Laugh, comfortably, on your own at something you think is funny, even if they don't.  They will smile at your laughing.  It works all around!  Don't let the stresses of work, school, kids, money, moving, house repairs or anything else get in the way of enjoying each other!  One of my favorite quotes is from the LDS prophet Gordon B. Hinckley, "In all of living, have much fun and laughter. Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured!" 

And here's a bonus, just for the next year we're working on!  Believe in your marriage and believe it's worth fighting for!  Don't just give up.  Again, nobody is perfect!  Some things warrant an end to the marriage.  Most don't!  Your relationship is different than your neighbor's or your best friend's?  GREAT!  You are different.  Your spouse is different.  Your relationship will be!  Be who you are, enjoy it, fight for it!  Make the choice, each day, to fall in love again!

We are far from perfect, but had we each focused on these things in the past seven years, things could have gone a whole lot smoother!  Now we know, and though we are still learning, may the next seven years be years of enjoyment and growth!


Have a happy day~Kasey

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"Find Out Who Your Friends Are"

There comes a point in each of our lives where we come to know who our real friends are, who is really there for us, really has our back no matter what, and always gives us the benefit of the doubt.  We usually presume that moment of realization to come from a major trial in our life.  It isn't!

I absolutely thought, until just recently, that that was the case.  When I was in fifth grade, I had a group..most of the kids in my grade..turn on me, leave me, laugh at, mock, tease me.  In that moment, there were three girls who didn't participate, and one who did but rapidly left the "game."  I knew then who I could count on.  I knew who was by my side, even if that meant they, too, would be made fun of or teased.  It was more important for them to make the right choice than the popular one.  Thank you!

A few years ago there began the hardest trial of my life, of anyone in my family's lives.  Many, many people immediately turned away from each of us.  Even though we weren't directly involved in the situation, we each lost multiple friends.  During that time, I received texts, calls, and emails from real friends.  Some asking questions, but most just offering a shoulder and beautiful words of strength and encouragement.  I realized then that I don't need the "others" in my life.  I know who to count on, who would give me the benefit of the doubt, who didn't even care about the situation, just cared about being a friend and showing love and support.  Thank you!

There's been a time in my life where I have been separated, by miles, from beautiful friends of mine.  I would think I found great friends around me then...but I was wrong.  There was one who, for some reason, didn't like me, didn't want me to have friends around me.  Why, I don't know.  I may never know.  But, this person would see me forming, what I thought to be, great, lasting friendships.  She would step in and get to know the person a bit, (which was fine..isn't there enough love and friendship to go around?!) then say things about me.  What, I don't exactly know.  Nearly all of these ladies would totally walk away from our "friendship."  I turned to Cory and voiced my concerns that something was wrong with me.  I had always felt one of my strengths was being a great friend (and others have come to me saying as much), but apparently I was wrong.  He tried to tell me there was no way because I am a fabulous friend (thanks dear) and even am, "too nice to a fault, even to those who don't deserve it!"  Then, one friend, one real, true friend, came to me and told me what happened, that, in fact, this lady spoke things about me.  I knew then, who would come to me, be honest with me, and be my friend despite the lies this person said.  Thank you!

A while back I posted this song by Tracy Lawrence on my facebook.  I still accompanied it with a huge trial, a huge way of finding out who our friends are. But in the last month I have totally realized..it's not the big things that show who our friends our.  It happens every single day, we just usually fail to see it. Yes, those major trials really weed out those false friends, but we don't need them to know.  It's really easy actually.

Who calls, texts, messages you to see how you are doing?

Who could you call in a moment of panic in need of help?

Who would come?

Who can you be totally comfortable with?

Who do you tell everything to?

Who sees your troubled side?

And who loves you anyway?

It's all right there in front of us.  We either have those people or we don't. And we know it!  We can see who is there for us and who isn't.  Who are you trying to be a friend to and who doesn't reciprocate?  Who cares for you daily?  We know.

I looked up that song again and listened, and he has it right.  

Who is there when we break our car down and need a ride?  

Who's there when we slip off the mountain high?

Who's there when it's raining in your world?

We know!

You know!

I know!  Thank you!!!

"This is what you really didn't know.
This is where the truth don't lie.

You find out who your friends are.
Somebody's gonna drop everything
Run out and crank up their car,
Hit the gas, get there fast,
Never stop to think,
"What's in it for me?"
Or, "It's way too far."
They just show on up 
With their big ole' heart.
You find out who your friends are....."

Have a happy day~Kasey

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