"I don't want to give up!"

*I don't post this for sympathy or compliments on my parenting.  Please read through, I do this for insight*

Some days I send my husband texts like this, “Why did I ever get married and have kids?  What was He thinking?  He knew I would be this way so why not give His children to one of those amazing people who wants so badly to have kids, but can't, and would do a much better job than I am!  I am not cut out for this.  I never was and I never will be!  I am so done with this!"

 

Yeah I know, you're either thinking, "that is terrible!"  or, "ohhh..I know those days!"  But please, let's set aside the judgment.  I don't mean to be harsh and heartless.  And yes, I sometimes speak..or write..before I think.  I know, it's a bad, bad thing!  It's something I have to overcome.  Let me interject for a second..my day wasn't all bad.  Look at these fun things~

 

"Mommy, let's play 'friends in heels'!" 

 So we spent hours, wearing heels and playing friends!!

 We did the airplane and "lady ride."

 And snuggled with baby..

 See, beautiful morning.  So what happened?  Homework!  Seriously~no lie!  My kids are really smart.  I'm not saying that because I'm bias.  But..some have a tendency to play not-smart.  Why?  I have NO CLUE and it drives me nuts.  I repeat the same thing a million and 10 times.  I take the time to explain it to them.  Nothing.  They still want to ask me for the answer.  Then when I check it and they get things wrong, massive break-down, total fit!  AHHH!!  I can't handle it.  I have no patience.  It's gone and done.  I react poorly, too much noise and raised voices.  Not a good place to be in and it causes a circle of UGH.  Fit, screaming, can't concentrate, fit, screaming, etc..I am very aware that yelling, in no way, helps the situation.  But it just comes out.  Even when my brain is saying, "calm down, you're not helping!"  I can't handle those days of pure defiance and complete "let's-turn-off-our-listening-ears" times.  My reaction is poor, but in those moments I truly feel as stated above.  Done!

I’ll be completely honest~this is not the life I wanted.  It’s not the life I ever thought I’d have nor was it something I looked forward to.  I know many of you out there in the same boat..only opposite.  You dream of the things I have, but don’t.  You would give anything for my life.  You dreamt of a beautiful family with a husband you love and kids running around your legs all day!  Don’t think I’m being inconsiderate to your feelings.  I get it.  Really I do.  But there is part of me that would do the same for your life, your successes, your joys, your experiences.  I know I am blessed.  I know my kids are amazing individuals who will do great things in life.  I know.  It’s just way different than I ever thought I'd be living.   Therefore, being a mom is NOT something that comes easily to me.  It's REALLY hard for me.  I am not a natural mother.

So what happens why life gets me down like this?  What do I do?  I talk to my children.  Real, honest, open-ended, discussions.  My kids hold me accountable for my behavior, my choices. 

 

Gage had a rough evening and it was full of crying, whining, speaking before thinking, etc.  We had a chat after the homework fiasco.  He was then sad because he was making bad choices and he doesn't want to.  He just wants to be perfect.  We listed a few things he needs to work on and I explained that he can't just be done with them all at once.  That's too hard and it doesn't work well when we try to do it that way.  He asked why not.  I used a ladder as an example. 

 

"Can we just jump from the ground to the top step of Daddy's big ladder?" 

 

"No way!  That would be too hard!" 

 

Exactly!  Life is the same way.  We can't jump head first in and try to overcome all obstacles at once.  We take one at a time and work on it until it's just normal for us and we don't have to work on it anymore.  He said he wished he could just get over them all at once.  I said me too!  We agreed to work on one thing at a time. 

 

The evening continued to be a not-so-fabulous night.  At bedtime he said he always does things wrong and maybe he doesn’t have a good heart in there.  I told him I knew he did.  I feel it around him (everyone does)!  I explained to him that we keep trying.  If we don’t, that is when we fail.  But if Heavenly Father sees that we are always trying we will be doing good in His eyes.  We have to keep trying or else we’ve made a choice by not trying.  We choose to do good, or do bad.  "What happens if we don't make a choice?"  Oh, my dear boy, we always do.  Even when it seems like we aren't making a choice, we are.  If we don't make the choice to try our best to do good, then we've chosen to do bad.  Throwing in the towel, or giving up, isn't really an option because it's choosing opposite of what we really want.  He asked how everything could be a choice..”we don’t choose to drink water, we just do.”  I explained to him that yes, it is a choice…it was a choice until it became a habit.  Now he doesn’t think of it each time as a choice because he just chooses it.  And that’s why we have to keep trying.  When we do something, or change a habit we already have, we have to keep doing it and keep making the conscious choice until, one day, we realize we aren’t choosing it anymore, it just happens, like the habit of drinking water. We will have the habit of explaining our feelings instead of throwing fits.  We will have the habit of not hitting even when someone upsets us. He said, “I don’t want to give up.”  That simple phrase meant more to me than probably anything anyone has ever said.  He doesn’t want to give up.  He wants to be like Jesus.  He wants to make it to our Father in Heaven.  He wants it.  If he doesn’t want to give up, why do I?  I told him that I really needed to hear that.  I thanked him for being an example to me even when he didn’t know he was doing so.  He asked how and I told him that the Spirit knew I needed to hear it so he was prompted to say that, to not want to give up.  It was something I needed.  I told him I wanted to be in the celestial kingdom with him.  "Me too!" and the tightest, sweetest hug in the world!  Thank you Gage!

 

I began the conversation with him to answer his questions and let him know that he is a good person and has a good soul.  That, if he wants to be like our Brother, he needs to keep trying.  Giving up isn't an option to get us that result.  Funny how every single thing I said to him, that he needed to hear, I needed to hear.  FYI~I don't believe in coincidences.  Thank you Father!

 

Have a happy day~Kasey

Daily dose~Don't forget to take part in the simple things of life~oh..and you ARE a good parent!!

Today was a day to enjoy the simple things. I'm trying really hard to do that each day.  Sitting back each night and looking at the pictures I've taken throughout the day have really helped!  Here's a little about my day..

I took the older four to school and I stayed because the older two were helping with Mega Crew this morning.

Right after that ended I had to take Alexis to school. This child of  mine tests my patience..constantly!!!!  But man I love her and wouldn't have my life without her! 

 "Look mom!  I did a twist bun!"  This little almost 6 year old was so excited!!! 

 Just chillin' at the salon while Peyton gets a haircut.   

 Ta-Da!!!  (waaaay too short in the front...)

 (and not quite short enough in the back...and I guess this is someone's idea of "drastic A-line!")  Peyton still loves it though and she really can pull of short hair..and as I always say..."it always grows back!"

 Had to get in a little school..

 After this, I took all the kids to the store with me. We had to get some birthday presents for friends' parties tomorrow, plus Haylee is to bring treats for her soccer game (and, well, I haven't been grocery shopping, so we needed dinner too)!!  I really was dreading doing this and even put it off as long as possible!  But, they were really great in the store! We got what we needed and we had fun while they behaved.  Yeah for success!!  Just as we were about done, this sweetest lady approached me.  She said, "I just want to tell you that you are such a good mom!"  Of course I'm in shock, especially when I've been feeling like a chicken with my head cut off today!  I thanked her and she continued, "You just are so sweet.  Everyone gets a choice and you took a vote, and you talk to them and explain things to them.  They are good kids and you are doing a great job!"  I thanked her and told her I really appreciated it because most days I feel too flustered to notice so it's nice to be reminded.  This isn't the first time this has happened, and each time it has, I've been really questioning my mothering skills.  It's one of those tender mercies that lets me know that He is aware and He cares!  (and the voting and choice thing she was talking about..the kids were asking for two kinds of cereal. We voted.  It was two to two.  Alexis was the tie breaker so she voted and made the choice.  And also Haylee and I were discussing drinks for after the game tomorrow).

After we got home and ate dinner we were able to visit with some sweet friends of ours.  Apparently I needed a good reminder today because Maureen says to me, "You guys are such fabulous parents!"  I told her thanks and how I don't feel that way most of the time.  She said all moms feel that way!  But she added, "look at them!  They couldn't be the way the are, the kids they are without good parents!"  Boy did I need that!!

Now it's movie time!!  I put the movie on and sat down to work (see the computer in the background).  Last Friday I missed our Family Fun Friday Night Movie because I was working instead.  That was my intention this time so that I didn't need to stay up late to get it done.  I figured I would work while they watched then we could all go to bed.  I said, "man I wish I could watch the movie with you guys!"  And Gage simply said, "so do it!"  Well, I did.  I got up from the computer and snuggled them on the couch while we watched.  And boy am I glad I did!! 

 I got to lounge in my cute Christmas pjams from Taya, while chillin' with Haylee! 

 Alexis insisted on taking a picture of me and Guppy! (don't you like her pjams?!?)

 I have learned through the years that no matter the age of your kids~listen to them!  They often live the simple life and say simple things, but more often than not, those simple things in life are what we need to be reminded of.  Gage, especially, has done this for me a lot.  He will just say things, the truth, and it's what I need to hear.  I am grateful he says what he feels, and my girls also, as they have done it a few times.  They are great~be like unto a little child! 

I couldn't resist taking this picture of Taya. She went right to her room and 10 seconds later was asleep like this...

 Our lives get crazy~no doubt!  Try to step back and remember that you are doing good.  Your kids are making good choices and really happy~they are because of you!  It's hard to remember in those moments of craziness, but it's the truth!  I'm so grateful I was reminded of that today! 

Have a happy day~Kasey

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You are not a failure. Neither am I!

“I feel to invite women everywhere to rise to the great potential within you. I do not ask that you reach beyond your capacity. I hope you will not nag yourselves with thoughts of failure. I hope you will not try to set goals far beyond your capacity to achieve. I hope you will simply do what you can do in the best way you know. If you do so, you will witness miracles come to pass.” ~President Gordon B. Hinckley 

A few weeks ago, between the seven of us, we had been fighting a nasty cold virus that, "feels like the flu" (thanks for nuttin' doc), strep throat, and pink eye..all within two weeks.  As you know, when someone is sick, mom gets no sleep, even if she is sick too!  I was exhausted, in all senses of the word!!!  My youngest has sleep issues.  She woke up screaming, not responding to anything my husband and I tried, presumably another night terror.  I was lost.  I sat on the couch downstairs~bawling my eyes out!  I couldn't control my emotions...or the negative thoughts creeping in.  Her crying was grating, like nails on a chalkboard.  I was shrinking, shriveling, clawing my way to the bottom!

When these times come, I fail, big time!  Those moments make me want to scream, and sometimes I do, uncontrollably, and usually at the expense of another's feelings.  Those moments make me wish I had taken a different route in life, the career, the dreams, all that I had planned for myself before Cory came along.  Those moments make me hate myself as a mother, or my lack or natural mothering skills.  Those moments make me cry, without end, big, ugly, loud tears!

Then, slowly, I had begun to imagine a conversation with a friend.  She is me.  She is screaming, wishing, hating, crying.  Do I consider her a failure?  Never!  I would hug her and tell her it's okay.  All the crying, hating, wishing, screaming~it is okay!  She is not a failure!  I would tell her that we all have "bad mommy" moments and it's okay.  Because she is not perfect and she is not expected to be!  Let it out!  Scream, wish, hate, cry.  Then get back up and move forward!  She is not a failure.  Neither am I!

I would never judge another for those reactions or emotions in those moments?  Why would I judge myself?  There's always talk of "judge not, lest ye be not judged."  Honestly, that's not something I struggle with.  I'm okay giving others the benefit of the doubt.  The shoulder to cry on.  The voice of reason. The second, third, tenth chance-giver. (often to a fault so my husband says). Does that make me perfect?  Not even close!  Why?  Because I am ten times harder on myself!  Things that would make me feel sympathy to another, cause me much grief in myself, wanting to, knowing I need to be better.  I am way harder on myself than I would ever even contemplate being on another!

“The willingness to forgive is a sign of spiritual and emotional maturity. It is one of the great virtues to which we all should aspire. Imagine a world filled with individuals willing both to apologize and to accept an apology. Is there any problem that could not be solved among people who possessed the humility and largeness of spirit and soul to do either -- or both -- when needed?” ~President Hinckley

Imagine a world where we love and forgive ourselves as we love and forgive others.  Imagine the peace and the strength that would surround your heart, your home if you forgave yourself for your downfalls, for your weaknesses, for your mistakes.  It takes maturity to forgive others.  It takes even more maturity to recognize your weaknesses and forgive yourself.  Imagine the possibilities of forgiving myself!

One of my absolute favorite quotes, one I have adopted as the perfect philosophy for motherhood, parenthood, is also by President Hinckley and I think of it each day. "You have not failed until you quit trying.”  Don't quit trying!  I won't!  You will fall.  I will fall.  Falling is not failing!  Staying down, staying low is failing.  I will get up, dust my hands off, at times even go forward with cuts, bruises, and scrapes, but I will go forward.  Let's keep trying!  You are not a failure!  Neither am I!

 Have a happy day~Kasey

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The absolute WORST thing about having so many little kids~

I hate being sick, really! But more than that, I hate seeing my kids sick (and dealing with some of the after effects from it)!  This has been my two weeks: Saturday, February 8th~early morning Taya woke up puking and a few hours later, her twin brother started.  UGH!  I can't stand throw up..really..not even in the slightest!!  After a couple times they were both done.  That night Gage got a bad fever and cough.  :( Sunday we woke up and I went to church to teach, feeling really terrible!  I had a nasty cough and felt really warm even though I didn't have a fever.  Breathing was labored, especially when talking.  About 5pm that night~I got the chills but I was really hot.  I didn't like the shaking and the trouble breathing so my son and I went to the ER to make sure we didn't have the flu...we didn't.  But they gave us a breathing treatment (which really leaves a nasty after taste) and some meds to help with the throat swelling and breathing.  

Monday I still feel like crap but Gage is feeling mostly better.  Then throughout the week~all four of the girls got it to one degree or the other.  So..that meant no sleep for me and it's taking me a lot longer to recover because I can't get enough sleep!  :(  

Then on Friday and Saturday, my husband got it..all seven of us in one week..and each day overlapping with people being sick!  No fun!!  Sunday we decided to play hooky and let everyone sleep in and hopefully kick it for good!  We went to the park and played in the afternoon~and a few hours later Taya was so out of it.  She was miserable!  Laying on the couch and not wanting to move. She didn't eat much of anything and her face was red and looked a bit swollen.  I thought she just had the nasty cold bug again.  Well, after two days of that I finally made an appointment to figure out what was going on..and the verdict~strep!  Ugh!!  She started the meds on Tuesday night and was able to go back to school today!  She was very happy to be back and seems like she is feeling better..she actually gets up off the couch now!!

Tuesday at bedtime I noticed Haylee's eyes were red and bloodshot.  I mentioned pink eye to my husband and she said, "Yeah Bridger had pink eye, but he wasn't at school with it!"  So..Wednesday I took her in and, yep, pink eye!  Then last night Peyton started with the red eyes too so we started them both on the drops and thankfully they can go back to school tomorrow!  

Man~I REALLY hope this is so done with!  We all took turns with a nasty stomach bug for almost three weeks in December.  It totally messed up all our Christmas plans and activities!  And now this!  I think we've all paid our dues!  I know, I know!  My kids are relatively healthy and things could be a lot worse!  But, after nearly four years of having all five of our kids, it's for sure that the way sicknesses fly through all of it is by far the worst thing about having all of these little babes of ours!!

Have a happy day~Kasey

 

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A moment of realization...(4-6-11)

I took all 5 kids to Wal-Mart yesterday. Nothing too new, I take them out alone at least once a week. But yesterday was a day of realization for me. After looking back on our grocery shopping trip, I noticed I am quite a bit more strict with the kids when I am alone with them in public rather than if my husband is with us or if we are at home. I don't do it on purpose! It just happens..because I get really self-conscious when I get stared at!

For example, we were in the cleaning aisle. The youngest was sitting in the front of the cart and the older 4 were dancing in the aisle. They weren't being loud and the aisle was very sparse of people. So I was letting them dance while I looked at Glade. The next thing I know I FEEL the eyes on me! The lady and the couple that were in the aisle were just giving me crusty looks! So I called the kids over and made them hold onto the cart.

What I SHOULD have done was LET them stare! The kids weren't doing anything wrong and I don't see how they were bothering anyone.

That is one of the biggest things I need to work on..letting people stare! I swear the looks are saying, "WHY on earth would you bring them ALL out??" and, "If you INSIST on bringing your kids out then you should KEEP them still and quiet 100% of the time!" I know I am super self-conscious when it comes to my parenting because I get unwanted advice, disapproving looks, and even people that try to CHANGE the rules my husband and I have established. These people are supposed to be the ones that are supporting us as parents but instead they disapprove with any choice we make! (sorry about the tangent) I just felt the need to explain why I am self-conscious about this.. :D

Anyone else have these experiences or another pet peeve that happens in public???

Have a happy day~Kasey

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